christmasTag Archive for christmas archive at evijhserf

1157pm on a friday night. i’ve just guzzled some more tylenol-brand bedtime decongestant cold flu minty blue liquid. my post-birthday cold/flu/cough is pretty much gone, but i figure some more of this elixir can’t hurt. i may nod off at any moment, though, so be warned!

what a smashing, smashing birthday i had! starting tuesday and continuing on my actual birthday wednesday, the love poured in via phone, email, ecard, by post and by myspace, from australia and canada and england and germany and ireland and bushland. so many lovely, witty, hilarious missives and notes and jokes and poems… i’m truly blessed to have so many thoughtful loving friends.

especially considering how crap i end at remembering other people’s birthdays. or even christmas, some years.

dinner featured a mix of boys and girls, young and old, straight and gay, and i wouldn’t have had it any other way. the 14 of us sat around that table for four hours, but to me it seemed like the blink of an eye.

my 29th birthday was not a particularly poignant one for me, and as i’ve been saying the for the past few years, i’m quite comfortable with my age, and am not even mildly worried about the big 3-0 milestone next year. i will say that i feel quite lucky to have so many l.a. friends, considering i’ve only been in town for 8 months.

i have to give manny, my boy visiting from london, mad props for the brilliant card “the higher the hair, the closer to .heaven” and of course for the brilliant cake, which had the whole wait staff at o-bar in stitches.

thanks to everyone for the lovely cards, the ecards, the notes, the phone calls, the myspace bulletins, the presents, the presence, the love, and for the smiles. there really is no greater gift to a wandering global soul like myself than to be connected to my friends around the globe—thank you!

and, no, although my cake was made out of all sorts of grade-a pharmaceuticals, my present condition (cough/sneeze/sore throat) is completely unrelated to any scandalous drug consumption, boy snogging, boy shagging, alcohol guzzling from the past week… no such activities occurred, honest!

7 years, 2 months ago

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tags: australia, canada, christmas, germany, grade-a pharmaceuticals, Ireland, london, peeps, United Kingdom

for years, i fended off my mom’s constant harassment and concern as to why i was single. for a long time, it was i’m concentrating on my studies or i don’t like any of the girls at caltech or, even better, i’m just a late-bloomer.

by the time i was 20, though, my mom’s concern progressed into despair. when i was home over christmas break in 1997, she leveled with me. eric, i’m worried that you don’t know how to love.

huh?

i’m worried that, because of the broken marriages and everything that maybe i’ve screwed you up and you’re gonna be single for the rest of your life.

eek. wow. not very easy to brush this off. my mom’s concern was genuine, and wholeheartedly motherly. my mom and dad divorced when i was 5. the alcoholic stepfather finally left us alone when i was 13. the live-in long-term boyfriend that followed, he up and left one day when i was 20. from my mom’s point-of-view, i’d been sorely single since my one and only [well, one substantial] girlfriend, jennifer, when i was 15—and it was all my mother’s fault.

so, i sat there, in my mom’s house during christmas, as she looked down upon me, sadly, probably with a bit of pity, wondering why her [finally growing into his looks, surely some girls must be chasing after him] son was so sorely single, why he hadn’t mentioned any girlfriends in over 5 years.

i sat there, making excuses, even though by that point i’d enjoyed 3 substantial relationships. the first one, my high-school crush and first love who i still pine about often, wondering what could have been, had we not been separated by age and distance.

the second one, the hot older norwegian jock who still claims to be straight even though i spent six months worshiping the ground he walked on, and him worshiping… well… let’s not go there.

the third one, the geeky bi-sexual soccer jock who cheated on me with two girls [at once] and thought nothing wrong about it.

each of these relationships were substantial enough for me to call them relationships, and substantial enough for them to contain some of the ingredients of love. if anything, for a 20yo gay boy, i was quite lucky to have had such luck, to have come to terms with my sexuality and to have had my heart broken 3 times. but, my mom knew none of this.

she repeated, again, eric, i’m worried you don’t know how to love and i dismissed it, trying to assure her that everything was okay. but, without actually telling her about my love life, about my romances, about the huge portion of my life i’d been keeping secret, there was no way to stop her worrying about me, to stop her from hurting more than i could imagine.

i came out to her a few days after i returned to caltech, wimping out by coming out to her over the phone. after a few days of shock, crying, emotions, religion, confusion, anger, questions and eventually love, i began to fill her in on the sordid details. at first, she thought i was trying to shock her by telling her so many details about boys and dating and romance and trysts and breakups and describing my hunky boyfriends in such graphic detail.

but, you see, i wanted to assure her that i knew how to love. and, although it took her time, she stop being so worried about her eldest being single and miserable and lonely. of course, she still wanted grandkids.

—

here i am, some 8 years later, though, and i’m wondering myself if i still know how to love. ok, ok, i’m being a bit dramatic and alarmist. but, when i look back at that eric—the hopeless romantic who threw himself and his heart into relationships on a whim—i laugh. i laugh, perhaps too bitterly, at his na�veté. i laugh, because i’m envious of the excitement and the silliness and the obsessiveness of it all.

god, if i only had a blog back then! no diaryland or myspace profile would be able to contain my gushing. the hopefulness, the making plans for the rest of our lives, the excitement, the hormones. writing poems about his smile, surprising him with gifts, forsaking friends, sleep, class, work, everything just to be able to sneak off with him till the sun comes up.

i’m not worried, cuz i’m very much in control of my destiny. and, when i’m ready to lose control, to remember how to love, i know it will happen. the ice will melt, the giddiness will return, and i’ll feel like a teenager all over again.

7 years, 4 months ago

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tags: christmas, evijhserf

green like a christmas tree

i’m sitting here in my west hollywood apartment, with music blaring, and all the windows open, bleaching the hell out of my frazzled sidehawk hair, in pure denial that christmas is actually here.

ok, stop staring at the picture. it’s one-part aunt jamima, one-part unshaven brokeback mountain, one-part member of kraftwerk [the glasses], one-part council chav [the chain]. i’m here to talk about christmashannukwanza with you.

what’s christmas like in l.a.?

the laugh factory [famous comedy club] is advertising free christmas dinner and toys for comedians, actors and the hollywood community alone this holiday—being alone is no joke.

on my sofa is a friend recovering from plastic surgery, popping pain medication while watching some reality teevee and chatting deliriously on her cell phone.

standing in the queue at the post office today to send off the last batch of my holiday mix cds, i couldn’t help but laugh at the 3 faux-celebrities in front of me, each with incredibly large dior sunglasses, 8 layers of baggy clothes, perfectly-manscaped facial hair, and/or dogs.

overheard conversations from same faux-celebrities about how cold it was at their beachhouse in miami [girl! 47 degrees! hellllll no!], about the amazing party at the roosevelt later this evening, or about how they were hoping to get a new hummer for christmas.

after that, i strolled down santa monica boulevard, sweating in the sun wearing only a t-shirt, and brought my buddy .greg an iced caramel macchiato. we sat in the living room of his new apartment, gossiping about new years plans.

and now, final preparations for christmas festivities, which will probably be shared by two jews, one atheist, one laggard christian and lil’ ole, generically-spiritual me.

with fucking brilliant bleached hair, thankyouverymuch. hoping to get myself a hummer this evening, ifyouknowwhatimean.

7 years, 5 months ago

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tags: cellular telephone, christmas, evijhserf

my hero, my idol, my alter ego, superstar deejay jonny moirée has been quite busy over the past few weeks. 3 updates:

london holidaze 2003

the most popular mix among my london friends is the 3-disc set i made for christmas a few years ago, encapsulating a hedonistic weekend of clubbing. since the .popstarz, .heaven and .beyond mixes were jonny’s very first mixes, after listening to them for the 200th time, jonny has finally decided to remaster, remix and clean up the mixes. cleaner mixes, higher-quality sound, and a new bonus track squeezed into each of the friday, saturday and sunday mixes. check out the london holidaze page to download the mixes, or subscribe to the podcast.

mashed bangers volume 2

mashed bangers volume 1 is arguably my most famous mix, with bootleg copies being sold on ebay, and people emailing me, trying to chase down the original tracks. volume 1 featured 21 mashup tracks, representing 47 songs from 45 artists. volume 2 should be available for download just in time for your new years eve partying, with some of 2005′s hottest bangers mashed up with some peculiar classics. check back in a few days, or subscribe to the podcast.

winter warmer holiday mix 2005

it wouldn’t be the holidaze without a fresh mix from jonny. the limited edition winter warmer holiday mix 2005 compilations got mailed out today. hopefully my american friends will receive them before the end of the year, and my friends on other continents should receive them in early january. i’ll be posting the mixes, the stories and the photos online for the rest of jonny moirée‘s fans in mid-january.

—

you will get all of these mixes automatically onto your ipod, in itunes, or in your news reader, by simply subscribing to the jonny moirée podcast.

7 years, 5 months ago

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tags: christmas, music

we weren’t the only ones dancing in the aisles, that was for sure. to the right, a gaggle of gown-or-blazer-wearing yuppies, dancing with their glasses of champers, bouncing like they’re at a wedding reception or company christmas party. to the left, a silver-haired couple getting jiggy with it, sorta samba dancing. behind us, the filled-to-17,000-person-capacity hollywood bowl. in front of us, only 60 feet away, were the basement jaxx, replete with their diva singers, and a couple of bingo bango apes running around on stage. above us, a pink los angeles the-smog-makes-it-beautiful post-sunset sky.

hands-down one of the best concerts i’d ever been to, and a brilliant evening overall. started the afternoon with some sunny flirting at silverlake‘s sleaziest beer bust, at the faultline. christopher introduced me to his myriad of bear and non-bear friends. christopher seduced a gent from australia, eric a lovely columbian lad. after devouring too much lite beer, gross porn and scorching sunshine, we escaped, unscathed.

picnicked outside the hollywood bowl, enjoying some sushi and sandwiches and framboise and champagne and chatting with fellow concert-goers. as the sun set, and we started to get a bit boozy, we put our shoes back on and went inside, neither of us expecting to have such amazing seats—pretty much 3 rows of tables back from the stage.

settling into our seats, i almost wanted to slouch down to make sure the 17,000 people behind me could see—our seats were that good. r�yksopp had already started their set, and i could not believe the intensity, the sheer funkiness to which they were rocking out. i had only known them from their ethereal songs eple, poor leno and remind me, and was expecting some sort of chilled-out air-like performance to—you know—make out with christopher to. the r�yksopp boys impressed, with danced-up versions of the aforementioned early hits, but a slalom of harder, edgier tracks off their new album. check out circuit breaker, 49 percent, follow my ruin and beautiful day without you to see what i’m talking about.

we were in the expensive seats section, and as such we had champagne at the table, and all around us were older couples, many in their 50s and 60s. only in l.a. could you get your freak on with some senior citizens to some funky r�yksopp and harder basement jaxx, outdoors on a perfect summer evening.

by the time the jaxx came out, i was euphorically giddy, gingerly touching knees with my dear friend and long-lost ex christopher. the sound system at the hollywood bowl was so loud, my vision was blurring with the basslines for good luck, which made it even better. the whole amphitheater was bouncing to oh my gosh, sambaing to do your thing… the hits just kept bombarding us. we retreated back to our table after slamdancing to renedez vu, lucky star, bingo bango, where’s your head at, plug it in, romeo and god knows what else.

it’s silly, of course, that i waited to see brixton’s finest in hollywood, when i could’ve seen them perform monthly, just a short stroll down the road from where i lived in vauxhall. but, maybe i’m just getting old, it seemed more enjoyable with a bunch of yuppies than a bunch of lager louts at the academy.

7 years, 10 months ago

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tags: australia, christmas, los angeles, music

aside from baling hay and running the combine harvester through the cornfields, i’ve been keeping quite a busy social calendar, thankyouverymuch.

tuesday had a swank-by-indiana-standards meal with my ~~mum~~ mom and honorary aunt rita, where we caught up and discussed all of our grand plans to take over the world. the three of us comprise a great isosceles triangle… commonalities between each pair of us, and yet differences as well. feisty retiree rita shares my wanderlust, for sure, and has always been supportive of my wild plans. one of those dinners where you stay laughing long after the plates are cleared.

wednesday i was lucky enough to meet up with my long-lost cousin brittney, who we both agree is really the only other sane member of my entire family. we’re both geeks, were both shy and quiet in high school [yeah right] and both have a strong itch to flee indiana.

she’s 22 now, has managed to wrack up 3 degrees so far, and is working on a masters degree before climbing her way up the political structure of the u.n.. over a few slices of pie [hers some sorta mochachocalatta and me a strawberry rhubarb mmmm] we caught up on years of drama, boyfriends, family, craziness. i see good things in her future.

thursday was my long-awaited 10 year high school reunion! it was great. unfortunately, it was only cathy and myself, and, well, nobody else was really invited. i’d last seen cathy in london at christmas time, so we didn’t have too much catching up to do.

on the drive into chicago, she blasted some jonny moirée, which was a flattering treat, while i snapped pictures of pretty much everything, like a tourist. followed by a fattening treat at the phoenix, a friendly, efficient and delicious chinese restaurant in chinatown. she’s a teacher now at my old high school [as is the aforementioned cousin brittney], and it was great to hear stories of both of their challenges and triumphs.

after gorging ourselves on crab rangoon, pot stickers, crispy orange chicken, gossip, photos, yearbooks and laughs, we strolled around chinatown a bit, just laughing in the late evening sun. i reckon i’ve been to 7 chinatowns in my life, and they’re all pretty much the same, and i therefore felt very much “at home”, and by “at home” i mean feeling like i’m back in da big city.

7 years, 10 months ago

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tags: christmas, london, peeps, united nations

my mom has been nagging me for years, eric, when are you going to go through all your boxes in the attic?. she’s also been nagging me, eric, when are you going to come back to indiana? and eric, don’t you love your family anymore? see, when i moved out at the age of 18, i raided the house, and took pretty much any belonging of mine with any sentimental, emotional or resale value. i made sure of it—i like to keep my life tidy and organized and portable.

everything else was put away in boxes, and for the past 10 years these boxes have been sitting up in the attic. crawling up the attic stairs this morning, before the hot afternoon heat set in, i found 20 21 22 boxes. what’s inside? no idea. why don’t you look with me, which i’m sure will be as exciting and as long-winded as when geraldo broke into al capone’s vault…

box #1: 1000s of baseball cards, once valuable, now all bent and moldy. i’m guessing the childrens [sic] of 2005 don’t spend much time playing with pieces of cardboard with photos of steroid users on them? treasure: nothing.

box #2: wrapping paper [huh?] and blacklight posters. i don’t really remember having a blacklight. treasure: nothing.

box #3: 8×10 photos of eric in 3rd, 4th and 5th grade. not for sale, but saved for safekeeping, for potential use in upcoming jonny moirée: behind the music special. local newspapers from 1993, featuring dorky interviews with me, with titles such as sommer auf deutschland. star trek books and disturbing books with terrorism themes [e.g. black sunday and the president has been kidnapped!]. empty piggy bank, pinewood derby cars which never came close to winning any races cuz my dad wasn’t that technically inclined, mess kit from boy scouts, probably with mummified peach cobbler inside. 1991 upper deck hologram baseball cars [ebay says they're worth something]. treasure: photos of 8/9/10yo me, $180 worth of baseball cards.

box #4: back issues of boys life magazine [for boy scouts, silly!] and nintendo power [maps of zelda and tips on how to get to the minus world in super mario bros]. gonna keep a few of these for retro kitsch value. trapper-keeper binders from high school. an angry letter i wrote in to the local newspaper, complaining about class size, financial problems, dress codes, drugs, attendance policies, gangs, fights, suspensions, beepers… american schools are falling behind. i was a pretentious faux-foreigner back then, too. term papers on the works of kurt vonnegut. treasure: 1 issue of nintendo power.

box #5: awards: kiwanis scholar, presidential academic fitness, calculator mathematics olympiad, a blank certificate congratulating me for exceptional service in ________ [yet signed by the principal], academic super bowl, science olympiad, german club, honor society, young scientist, teacher’s pet. and like 100 medals from science olympiad. treasure: nothing except the inner geek.

box #6: a few old-school xeroxed zines that i subscribed to through BBSes [pre-interweb]. ooh, and a letter from lisa, this pretty girl whom i worked with at dairy queen, analyzing my flirtations with her and asking me out. via folded-up note. she writes, whatever girl wins your heart, remember to tell her that i wish i could be her. eek! she was the first girl i came out to at work. treasure: nothing except the repressed memories of that complicated summer.

box #7: more awards [geek!]. photo of me with a garter belt on my head, from prom? german magazines. stuff from the chicago cubs convention, 1993. boxes and boxes of baseball cards. most are worth only $0.08. i have notes on some cards listing their value as $125.00 but are now valued for $10. actually, wait, a few are listed at $100+! that’s jamba juice money, my friend! neon yellow sign stating the rules for entering eric’s room [enter at your own risk!!!], heavily worn boy scout manual [troop 10, killer whales!]. regarding drugs: when a junkie gets hooked, he can’t help himself. he must have more and still more. to get money he needs to by drugs from some other ‘junkie’, he may stage a holdup. he may even commit murder. boy scout beads, merit badges, belt. class of 1995 fluorescent pink water bottle… probably matched my l.a. gear shoes at the time. treasure: $500? worth of baseball cards.

box #8: photo of me in new york with my german friends in 1995, wearing a pansy division t-shirt with giant pink triangle. homo! tons of cassette tapes… mostly respectable: tom’s diner, motown philly, now that we found love, i got the power.. some not: unskinny bop, do the bartman, i wanna sex you up. my first communion prayer book and rosary. photos of my high school friends conga-dancing around a mexican restaurant for my 17th birthday, me with sombrero on my head. treasure: a few photos.

box #9: photos from when we snuck mike, our foreign exchange student from germany, to the canadian side of niagara falls, without a passport. jailarity ensued, and [apparently] i’m not permitted to ever go back to that border crossing. letter from q101 deejay samantha james, regretting she will not be able to attend our 80s-themed senior dance, but rather she put together a special mix tape for us with shout-outs from our favorite deejays and a remix of tainted love. photocopies of a dot-matrix, wordperfect printout of the rocky horror picture show script. original nintendo nes controllers and some bits from the power glove which i don’t remember owning. tons of comic books, mostly archie and jughead comics, some other random ones, apparently worth up to $100 each. treasure: $300? worth of comic books.

box #10: an appraisal from phil’s cards and collectibles offering to buy my baseball card collection for $100. funny thing, though, is that it’s dated 1996, when i was away at university. how thoughtful of my little bro to try to make some money off my junk. about 400 more comic books. i look up a few online and see them valued at $40-$100. i gently transfer them to a new box. treasure: $300? worth of comic books.

box #11: rubber-banded cache of folded-up notes from my ex-girlfriend jennifer. she writes: sorry it took me 4 years to write you back, but my intestines fell out, on the titanic, p.s. i must commend you on your last kiss, oow!. floppy disks with games for my old 386. flag of germany. my eric bogs stationery from elementary school, which i used to correspond with penpals in japan and alaska and brazil. a very wrinkled warning: teenager lives here poster. calvin klein underwear advertisements [hmm...] dot matrix print out of local BBS numbers, with hours of operation and accepted baud rates. l33t! a light in the attic, a witty children’s book given to me by my loving grandma whom i lived with for a few years. keeping that one. more end-of-the-world books, e.g. star bright: planet earth is burning, every hour is now a lifetime! one day soon, there will be no future! colecovision donkey kong junior cartridge. garter belt, presumably from one of my 3 [females] prom dates? d.a.r.e. bumper sticker [dare to keep kids of drugs]. treasure: embarrassing photos, book from grandma.

box #12: my actual boy scout uniform. there are too too many badges on it, and i can’t remember what any of them mean. should i wear it in a doubly-ironic way? you know, making fun of all the gay boys who wear them, making fun of the boy scouts? ooh, and the matching red uniform beret. folded clean handkerchiefs, strange. sunglasses from the tom cruise-in-footloose era. pocket telescope [no longer works]. all of the youth for understanding manuals and paperwork from my trip to germany. big novelty eraser which says my brother doesn’t make big mistakes from my lil’ bro. 4 complete sets of baseball cards, probably worth $20. photo of my girlfriend jen hugging me, i have a naughty smirk on my face. treasure: boy scout uniform, baseball cards, embarrassing photos.

box #13: box of chinese checkers, unopened [what a boring game]. my capsela kit! capsela was the bomb. i used to make remote-controlled boats and robots and cars and all sorts of other things. vhs tape labeled german honors project with barry which was my good friend barry and me pretending to be german on film for 30 minutes. christian children books which don’t look the least bit familiar. dot matrix printout of how to configure ansi.sys in dos. photo of me when i had chicken pox. photo from 16 years ago of kevin [who is now dating my sister] kissing cathy [who visited me in london last christmas and whom i'm having dinner with tonight]. printouts of how to cheat in sim city and have infinite money. copy of pc magazine explaining the features of upcoming windows 3.0. chicago bears earmuffs. treasure: incriminating photos.

box #14: spirit of america remote-controlled boat which i used to race across wolf lake. missing the remote control. treasure: memories of when we lived next to the lake.

box #15: my first silkscreening project… a black sweatshirt with bart simpson spraypainting eric graffiti onto a wall. little league baseball mitt. cross country ribbons [orange means 14th place, i think]. trigonometry notebook. b96 bumper sticker from 1993. membership card to american coaster enthusiasts. my first pair of geeky eyeglasses. treasure: nothing.

box #16: complete set of how it works encyclopedias, as seen on teevee. i remember reading each new issue cover to cover, definitely helps to explain why i’m such a know it all. the “H – Le” edition was my fave. can probably find entire contents at howstuffworks.com. treasure: nothing.

box #18: approximately 25 trophies. they look nice. they make my mom proud. we’ll leave these in the attic. treasure: put back into storage.

box #19: more baseball cards. vhs tapes of when i was in germany, some converted to ntsc. the first cassette tape i ever bought [dick tracy by madonna]. i remember being at the mall with my friend matt and his mom… his mom made me call my mom and ask permission before i could buy it. my address book from before university. more comic books… many worth $40, $110. my admissions letter from caltech, dated on my birthday, with a little handwritten happy birthday! note from the director of admissions.

another letter from my ex-girlfriend jennifer. this one dated just after i started sleeping with her boyfriend, but before he and her broke up. i think i was trying to convince her to break up with him—eek! die fantastischen vier postermagazin. a letter from someone in germany named frank. sheet music for joseph and amazing technicolor dreamcoat. letters from different local organizations that gave me scholarships all those years ago. i owe them all a huge thank you for helping me flee indiana all those years ago. treasure: comic books.

box #20: cassette tapes: teenage mutant ninja turtles, california raisins, m.c. hammer, ghostbusters soundtrack, beach boys. 7th grade leaf collection. more photos from germany, high school. chicago cubs puppet, baseball hats which i’ll be giving to my baby sister. german newspapers. autograph from eric clapton. notebook with all my nintendo passwords. the best one is for faxandu: ipgIAItkCEAiEIQtCEA. you can use it if you’re stuck on level 17. junior achievement awards banquet [i help run a chocolate factory for two years in high school]. elementary school yearbooks. freshman speech on alabama, which starts although most of you probably think alabama is just a state full of whiskey drinking hicks, alabama is much more than that. alabama is a very important and interesting state. stuff from my science fair projects. catechism notes: we are to live as adult christians, saying YES to christ, then we will live as he directs us, caring for others as he did [in my own handwriting]. copies of the nintendo newsletter i made for my friends and my mom photocopied at work. hand-painted ceramic statue of e.t. from my babysitter. treasure: cubs stuff for sis, elementary school yearbooks, nintendo newsletters.

box #21: every photograph, film negative, train ticket, scrap of paper or used kleenex from my trip to deutschland in 1993. treasure: fond memories.

box #22: 100s of copies of video game magazines, and of my favorite catalog, 1001 things you never knew existed where i bought entirely too many magic tricks and practical jokes and spy watches and insect repellents and pocket fishing poles. treasure: memories of playing video games 16 hours a day for most of my childhood.

phew. exhausting. i’m not sure how we’re going to dispose of all of this crap… most of it is books and magazines, i wonder if it can be recycled? i’m taking away a small briefcase full of memories, of photos, of letters, of yearbooks. some cubs memorabilia for my lil’ sis [she's a huge fan, it turns out, her whole bedroom is done up in a baseball theme], and a cache of baseball cards and comic books, with an apparent value of $1000+, but which i’ll bequeath to my lil’ bro to sell.

7 years, 10 months ago

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tags: brazil, chicago, christmas, deutschland, empty piggy bank, germany, japan, london, New York, statue of e, USD

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whiting, indiana, christmas 1944

about two-thirds of the people i pass on the streets here say hello or hi. the woman watering the flowers by the church, the guy working on his pickup truck in the hot summer sun, the old lady hanging up red white and blue streamers for the upcoming 4th of july celebrations. smiling and nodding. not a single suspicious glance at me, this skinny guy with bleached hair, strolling aimlessly around town.

stopped by the hardware store, where i talked for a few minutes with the large dude wearing the jack daniels t-shirt while he copied some keys for me. i felt self-conscious and a bit silly, wondering why we were making smalltalk. then i remembered, that’s what people do here. they’re friendly.

of course the they really should be we. i suppose i can pretend to be an outsider if i want, but it’s in my best interests to re-acquaint myself with america and americana in all its glory.

the supermarket, oh man, the supermarket. i swear to god, it’s amazing. even the biggest supermarkets in london pale in comparison. i’m talking 100 different types of cakes. 120 different types of breakfast cereals. hell, 50 different kinds of vegetable oil. i couldn’t believe it. and it’s so incredibly cheap. and both the cashier and the bag boy said hello and thank you and have a nice day. something i don’t reckon i heard a single time in my four years in britain.

i’m going through culture shock not just because i haven’t been to america for a long time, but also because i haven’t escaped big-city living for years, either. the pace of life is so much slower, so much quieter, so much simpler. and, that’s exactly what i need right now.

flying into o’hare airport a few days ago, we did a few loops in the early-afternoon sun [i'm not sure why] and, as we swooped over suburbia, i swear that i saw no less than 200 baseball diamonds. there were nearly more baseball diamonds than houses. i’ll hopefully be dragged to at least a sox game [preferably a cubs game] while i’m here.

fortunately, i’m suppressing most of my astounding cultural observations, as to not come off as being too worldly or, rather, too pretentious. i barely flinch when i see an obese soccer mom waddling to her minivan. i no longer associate neighbors flying their american flags with being brainwashed by the american media.

it doesn’t matter if the toilets here are filled with water, if milk-by-the-gallon scares me, if there’s not a single café or bookshop within miles, if i’m scared to use a clothes dryer or my mom’s giant coffee machine or the ice machine on the fridge.

what matters is that i’m sharing laughs with my mom, who now understands me better than she ever has, after visiting me a few weeks ago in blighty. what matters is my brother and i can’t stop talking about the new doctor who and computer stuff and how his classes are going. or chatting with sis, as she puffs away on cigarettes, catching up on all of her drama.

or, sneaking treats to the family pooch who i keep thinking of as being the little puppy we adopted when i was 15, but is, sadly, a cenile old canine on his last legs. that’s not gonna stop me from grabbing his leash and taking him for a walk along the lake, so he can chase the geese and roll around in fish guts [his favorite hobby].

7 years, 11 months ago

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tags: 4th of july, britain, christmas, london, vegetable oil

photo of my bed¹

some silly things people do while in my bed to pass the time:

ask about large fuschia high-heel shoe on my bookshelf².

try on spiderman mask.

examine anatomically-correct bunny rabbit plush toy³.

put on santa claus⁴ hat.

try to turn on non-functioning⁵ furby doll.

drink stale beer that’s been sitting out for god-only-knows how long⁶.

dig under bed to find mysterious hotel room key card⁷ from some hotel in spain i’ve never been to.

try on large fuschai high-heel shoe on my bookshelf.

watch countless episodes of will & grace.⁸

try to take naughty videos using cameraphone.

try, in vain, to queue up music in winamp using my wireless keyboard. my computer only plays one song⁹.

have hot, steamy, raucous sex¹⁰.

there’s plenty to do. fun for the whole family. bring the kids!

^{[1] not a photo of my bed. actually, stolen from steven’s great site. he likes red calvins and id lube.
[2] at buca di beppo in pasadena 7 years ago, i stole this shoe from the restaurant’s kitschy decor for adrienne‘s birthday. it’s large, though—conclusively, it’s a man’s high heel.
[3] a fabulous going-away gift from one sarah koh.
[4] actually [and many people get this wrong], it is a missus claus hat. you can dig around in the photos section for shots of me in costume last christmas.
[5] my furby talks, all right. but he only talks to me. i got him free in a mcdonalds happy meal.
[6] eric never drinks beer. but visitors to eric’s bed tend to drink beer, and they tend to leave their half-empty [mmhmm] cans all over the place.
[7] it says hotel mirimar, 17310 lloret de mar — girona. i’ve been to madrid, barthelona and ibitha. this don’t ring any bells for me.
[8] i have horrible insomnia. i also have all 137 episodes of will & grace on my computer. i watch, on average, 2 episodes before nodding off each night/morning.
[9] one song at a time, natch. the overplayed-song-of-the-week is bang bang by nancy sinatra, or the sorta-novel, sorta-catchy audio bullys remix.
[10] i’ve rumors of this happening in my bed, but i have yet to confirm them. hidden cameras are being installed to monitor unauthorized activities.}

8 years, 1 month ago

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tags: christmas, madrid, pasadena, spain, wireless keyboard

i do ladylike things!

last friday i saw three transsexuals. is that the correct term? or is transgendered individual more politically-correct? i should know this.

transsexual one
i was stumbling to work friday morning, groggier than usual for no particular reason, and also later than usual for no particular reason. as per my usual route, i was traipsing up the stairs of the collonade when in front of me, coming down the stairs was a tall 60yo man, dressed in a simple floral summer dress, heavily wrinkled face and a smattering of makeup. we made eye contact, i neither flinched nor smiled nor raised an eyebrow, but he seemed quite embarassed and scurried in the opposite direction.

he reminded me a bit of seeing ian mckellan in that christmas panto a few weeks ago, but much more immediately reminded me of emily howard, the crap transsexual from little britain.

transsexual two
my work colleagues and i usually treat ourselves to fish’n'chips on fridays, you know, for lent or something. on our way back to the office, walking through a little park in victoria, we saw a large girl rushing towards us. she was waddling quite quickly, and was quite a sight to behold—large chunky legs in an entirely-too-too-short-for-january-in-london miniskirt. she was frantically trying to stuff her gigantic breasts into a black rubber/pvc jacket that wasn’t quite zipping properly.

as she waddled past us, she stopped at her task at hand and looked up just long enough for her to shoot me evils and for me to see, in the cold gray afternoon light, a horrific smattering of makeup that would leave even the nicest of drag queens ashamed and angry.

none of my colleagues seemed to have noticed. odd.

transsexual three
a few years ago, i was invited by kirk read to attend an edgy queer spoken-word/live-music event, held in the lobby of the eros sauna in my old hometown of san francisco.

it was a mixture of angry lesbian poetry and witty gay breakup stories, but the highlight for me was this tough-looking hombre that rocked the mic [well, rocked the tiny tinny boombox] to some sexy beats, laying down lyrics like:

and now even though i know
i’m the flyest mother fucker
with a switchable dick

quick witted,
rarely out-spitted,
out-fitted
fairly hard-headed
sick-tited man,
stick to the plan
tricked so i ran
quick, to the van
as fast as I can,

so my gay legs can take me,
and day breaks still don’t break me

katastrophe used to be a girl, and he totally looks the part. muscles, a swagger, tattoos and stubble, rounded off by a punky grin. this all gives him a unique perspective, it gives him the background, and i’d say the right to [jokingly] diss lesbians and gays, and step into the usual role of macho rap star, trying to get the ladeez.

since it seems i live and breathe in the center of the gay hip-hop universe, upon my return i excitedly told marcos all about him.

a few years later, katastrophe is rocking out at club motherfucker, sharing a stage with qboy and mz. fontaine and it all comes full circle.

before the introductions happened, greg comes up to me, excitedly telling me about a cute boy he just saw in the toilets. hee hee.

after the introductions, an angry 3-foot tall lesbian, who looks not entirely unlike a midget courtney love sucker-punches me in the stomach, knocking the wind out of me. she thought i was making fun of her girlfriend.

i’d rather be a transsexual than an angry 3-foot tall lesbian.

8 years, 3 months ago

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tags: black rubber/pvc, christmas, san francisco