a few nights ago, we’re at a going away party for some guy named mike. why’s mike moving back to florida? let’s just say in florida you don’t get put on hold when you dial 911. in florida your car doesn’t get stolen after the police pull you over. in florida they don’t let you out of the hospital while you’re still suicidal. none of us really knew him anyway, it was just a party.
sitting upstairs sipping margaritas on the deck overlooking weho, heat lamps keeping us toasty, i clock this angry looking guy wandering around the bar, drinking a 40. bridget [petite sexy 21yo gal] steals his attention, and angry guy comes over, introducing himself as klaus. he’s not just angry, he’s also german, and explains that he’s bipolar, giving me a wink.
bipolar, in his case, means he’s soon making out with gal-pal bridget and boy-pal bogart in no time. he continues to try to impress me with his germanness, but of course i’m not. so, you’re a foreigner in a faraway land? whoopdie doo. he keeps showing off his german i.d. card and stuff, even though he’s lived here for 14yos. what a poser.
abandoned by this menage-a-blah, i chat up this cute aussie boy who is perched on a stool on the ground floor patio, keeping an eye on passersby. he’s australian but doesn’t wanna talk about it. i explain i’m from london, and have visited sydney, have lived with a few aussies, etc., but he’s… distant.
daniel is a cute, very innocent looking 29yo. dressed head-to-toe in diesel-esque rags, he looks like an extra in scissor sisters video. our smalltalk steers us towards talking about his ex.
over the next hour, i play dr. phil and psychoanalyze daniel, discovering quite quickly that he’s actually stalking his ex. just as this discovery hits me, the ex stumbles out of .micky’s next door, and daniel grabs me and starts sloppily making out with me. he rotates us to ensure his ex can see, but his ex is too drunk to notice.
the ex then proceeds to get pizza at the pizza place next door, and then hangs around on the sidewalk with a few boys. the whole time, daniel is pinning me up against the wall, his tongue sloppily slathering everywhere, murmuring, what’s he doing? can he see us?
an hour later, we’re dancing. again, his tongue is flapping around like a rag at the car wash, but i’m putting up with hit. eventually the ex moves on, so we call it a night.
as we’re walking back to daniel’s car, we take turns explainig to each other that nothing’s gonna happen tonight, that he’s just gonna drive me home and that’ll be that. mid-sentence, i turn and realize daniel is no longer walking next to me.
he’s approached a parked pickup truck, and is chatting with a beefy white guy and beefy latino guy inside. wanna come back to my place? he’s asking these strangers. the white guy eyes me up, says yeah! while me & the latino guy in the passenger seat give each other confused shrugs.
after a few minutes of negotiation, i make it clear that i’m not going home with any of them. out of nowhere, a girl pops up in the back seat of the cab, exclaiming, i’ll take all four of you at once! let’s go!
eventually the pickup truck couple come to their senses, and tell daniel, why don’t you and your boyfriend just go home? daniel turns to me, and says, him, he’s not my boyfriend! he’s like a 5, maybe a 6.
i make it a few blocks down santa monica blvd before daniel catches up with me, out of breath from jogging. that’s not what i meant! you’re a 9! you’re a 9! i give him a quick explanation of how my ego works. of how i only surround myself with boys who worship me, etc. etc. etc.
back at my place, in bed, he continues talking about his ex. they dated for something like a month, 4 months ago, and this boy has been stalking him ever sense. calling him from payphones, showing up at bars he knows he’ll be at. he explains some convoluted scenario of where he organized an orgy [his own words] in order to win him back and/or make him jealous.
as i doze off, horny as the day is long [wait—that doesn't make any sense, but you know what i mean], he explains to me how good it feels to just cuddle. he’s a recovering sex addict, you see, and tonight is the first night he’s been able to resist getting frisky with a boy he just met.
charmed, i’m sure. at least with chip i got a little action with my tongue lashing verbal abuse…
