the countdown is nearly complete… we had 2 straight boys turned bi [who later turned on each other]. we had 1 questioning straight boy who tried so hard to be gay. 1 friendly straight boy who never really teased. and 1 straight boy who never really pleased.
but now, dear reader, i present to you a tale of many firsts [kiss, crush, love] and of lasts [girlfriend, innocence, love?] a tale of woah, a tale of woe. the setting? high school, smalltown indiana, usa…
in high school, i surrounded myself with friends that were outgoing, outrageous and that mumsy approved of. boring, i know. by the time that 10th grade rolled around, i found myself immersed in the geeky world of high school theatre: thespians not lesbians, make-up and make-believe.
i was an awful actor and even worse singer, but i managed to stay involved in the different stage and musical productions, usually behind-the-scenes or in the chorus. being in theatre is how i met jennifer… the default star of the show and one of the sharpest sarcastic wits i’d ever met.
we became fast friends, and, feeling the pressure [peers, parents, my inner voice] i asked her to be my girlfriend. it was logical—i did love her, i think. we spent all of our time together anyway, and she seemed like she should be girlfriend material. we dated, and everyone in smalltown, indiana approved.
everything became confusing and warped in my mind… why didn’t i enjoy our goodnight kisses? why did i avoid her in the hallway at school? by the time that summer rolled around, there was serious tension between the two of us, but as i departed for a two-month stay in germany, we promisedto be faithful, and to keep in contact.
a month after living in brandenburg and immersing myself in my new environment, i lost all desire to carry on our charade of a relationship. i finally broke up with her, on opposite sides of the globe, over the phone. i remember both of us sobbing and her accusing me of finding another girl… she kept asking me why?!, and i—of course—had no answer to give.
two years of high school went by, and eventually our relationship [friendship] mended, uniting my disjointed circle of friends. although by this point i hadn’t dated anyone since her, she was swooning over her mysterious boyfriend from the school on the other side of town. all was well as we finished our senior year.
then, one day 10 years ago, a bomb was dropped.
this bomb dropped directly on top of me, while sitting in my first-period physics class, and my world was turned upside down. through the highschool gossip grapevine, i learned of a sickening plot by my closest friends to try to humiliate me in front of the entire school at the big spring dance later that week. i couldn’t believe it—the almighty clique was about to betray me!
it was finally confirmed to me, loudly, in the hallway while everyone was at their lockers before lunch hour: several of my closest friends—suspicious that i might be gay—wanted to out me at this big spring dance. how? they planned on having my ex-girlfriends new boyfriend [who i hadn't met yet] come up and hit on me at the dance. if i accepted his advances, the plan was for my friends to make sure everyone knew, by broadcasting it across the dance.
i don’t respond well to friends turning on me. as confident and cocky as i am, i have always had this irrational insecurity [some say sense of independence] that all of my friends might disown me at any time. the way that i dealt with this was not the result of careful planning or evil revenge—it was just raw anger.
i blew up, in the hallway, and started barking at my friends. screaming. slamming my locker door off the hinges. knocking my friends books to the ground. i flipped out. onlookers were amused and horrified, watching my almighty clique of friends imploding on itself. if you were truly my friends, you would just ask me, i told them. doesn’t matter, anyway. of course i’m not gay!
the rest of the week was hell, and i had nobody to talk to, nobody to confide in. i skipped the dance, obviously. the next few months were rocky, but i survived. in june 1995, i graduated, first in my class but disconnected from my friends. eventually i made up with ex-girlfriend jennifer and admitted to her, finally, that yes, i’m gay. we cried, a lot, and forgave each other for the hurt caused.
during those last few weeks after graduation, before going our separate ways to university [her, to a theatre school in indiana, me to a technical college in california], we bonded and shared just about every evening together, either just jen and me, or with her boyfriend too. the three of us had wonderful, memorable talks, driving around pitch black suburbia and sometimes escaping to midnight picnics downtown [chicago]. we were all on top of the world, carefree, and very joyously being simply us.
but, it came to an end when jennifer left for university… i remember seeing her off that morning, giving her the candle i made for her, that had a very crude photoshopped photo on it of me kneeling over a star on the walk of stars sidewalk in hollywood. the name on the star was hers of course—a small token showing that i knew one day her dreams would come true. after the world’s longest hug, off she went, packed into a station wagon with dad and all of her belongings… leaving me—and her boyfriend troy—behind.
