yeah so i’ve been off work with the flu. well, maybe just a bad cold. regardless, i was pretty much knocked off my feet for a few days, pumped full of vitamin c and lemsip and strepsils and tylenol pm pure heroin and whatever else i could get my hands on.

it was good, though, having some time off. allowed me a chance to catch up on my general depression, by reviewing my horrible finances indebtedness, questioning my entire living-in-london plan, pondering the meaning of life, and generally feeling sorry for myself. yeah, cuz, that’s just what i needed on top of the usual seasonal depression / woefull realization that i’m getting old / self-doubt.

always the survivor, i snapped out of it, eventually. i’m working on a mildly interesting and mildly challenging project at work, which is a refereshing change-of-pace. part of me wants an easy day job that i can do with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back. but, part of me wants to relive the glory days, when i worked my ass off building dot-com websites and investing evenings and weekends into building a ~`legendary’~ company. slacker.

the other ray of sunshine was an evening out with my boy. even now, as i compose this blog entry, i’m forbidding myself from overanalyzing analyzing our relationship. it’s been a month, it’s been bliss, and that’s all i’m saying. rather than downplaying it or upplaying it or freaking out or dismissing it or anything, i will, however, just note a few things:

• i have a photo of him as the wallpaper on my phone
• i get incredibly nervous before each date with him
• it’s very difficult to fall asleep next to him, for all the right reasons
• we have the tendency to wake up in the middle of the night, once again for all the right reasons
• i don’t have to think of someone else when we—you know…
• he makes me smile

not reading anything into it. not contemplating anything. not wondering if i’m ready. not thinking about anything, i swear.

the tannest i’ve ever been. and, yes, that’s my cousin

so, yeah, speaking of america…

in september, atif and i spent a few blissful days in los angeles, one of the many places i consider home [eric gets around, see]. the goal was to see the sights, enjoy some great weather, some sunshine, some tasty food. to hang out with my cousins jason and brian at their fab new pad in huntington beach, to perhaps see some of my old friends from caltech, and of course to see my dear friend josh.

jason [pictured above] and i grew up together… our parents got divorced at the same time, and we’d visit our dads every sunday, going to cubs games, going swimming, eating dairy queen, watching our family get drunk. i ran away to california then to london, he ran away to las vegas and then to california with his brother, the semi-professional baseball player.

i love my family, all four parts of it [both parents are remarried, see]. i’m a bit, erm, estranged distant with my dad’s side of the family, for no particular reason than apathy*. thus, i’d fallen a bit out of contact with jason and brian… i hadn’t even properly congratulated brian on getting married to the very lovely molly, and didn’t even know they had all moved out to california until just a few weeks before my trip.

jason is very much the straight version of me. he’s motivated by pleasure and opportunity and adventure, and is keen on new life experiences and not too concerned with boring career paths and logical life choices. he’s worked his way across the pacific sunwear corporate ladder, a big surf/skate clothing chain. everytime i cross paths with him he’s dating [at least one] pretty young thing, and seems to have a penchant for girls a few years his junior. not to generalize about the bogses, but we do have incredible taste in mates.

we went to the happiest place on earth [disneyland] on the saddest day in america [september 11] and had an amazing time. we gorged ourselves on tamales and fish tacos and burritos and pico de gallo and horchatas at every opportunity. jason took us shopping and the watch the surfers and to talk politics and it was just great.

i got to hear bits and pieces about my family, which made me feel connected yet nostalgic at the same time… knowing i should pick up the phone, but knowing at the same time that the phone works both ways. having too too much to catch up on with everyone, and not wanting to explain my insanely bizarre life.

the highlight of the trip had to be the first annual bogs beach bonfire bonanza, which coincided with my arrival from london as well as brian’s return from being on the road for months during the baseball season. we set up a roaring fire on the beach [huntington beach is one of the few beaches that allows bonfires], we taught atif how to roast smores, and we shared some stories and laughs as well as some quiet moments.

it had been a long time since i felt a sense of -family- like that. it worked, it definitely worked for me.

wins the race

yeah, so here i go overanalyzing everything. it’s in my nature, so back off.

i feel so much external pressure in my life, you have no idea, and that spills over into my romantic endeavours as well. believe it or not, i arrived fresh [as a rose] and innocent [outwardly, at least] and chaste [rather than chased] to london less than four years ago. i was a pure romantic. i didn’t sleep around, i didn’t have one night stands, i still felt so incredibly nervous tiptoeing into a club.

if you read this blog, then you know how things have changed, obviously. but, deep down inside is this romantic version of eric, someone looking to settle down, someone looking for a partner to share life’s adventures with, someone to be ultimately comfortable with, someone who enriches my life as i enrich his.

i’m not complaining about the boys that i’ve dated in london… some of my best friends [atif, mark, jack] are my exes, and i have plenty of acquaintences that i’ve dated with whom i’m on at least amicable terms with. for me, dating in london is like competing in some bizarre gameshow, with entirely too many twists and turns, surprises and alternatives, where the grand prize always seems to fall out of my clutches.

rather than dissecting my current relationship, i’ve decided to focus my examination internally, upon my own strange desires.

the real reason i want a relationship is mentioned above… fear of loneliness, desire for companionship, someone to put on a pedastal and share life with. that’s my main motivating factor, coming from my heart, my mind and my groin.

the past week, though, i’ve snapped into a different mode, a mode of wanting to show off my prize to all of my friends, literally and figuratively. it’s a form of bragging, i suppose, but it’s also a form of insecurity. i know my friends want me to be happy, and are happy that i’m dating a lovely lad, but—in theory—i should be perfectly content in my new relationship without needing to parade him in front of my friends, literally [at parties and clubs] and figuratively [mentioning him on the phone, or in this blog].

sure, part of having a boyfriend means you get to elevate yourself to another status, another level… you get to dismiss potential suitors, you get to ditch your friends… hey eric, i’m throwing this amazing party on friday, do you wanna come? and i get to look down my nose and laugh it off, with a hint of pity, by smirking, oh, sounds lovely, yeah, but, umm… i have prior plans with my boyfriend… which is obviously not an apology insomuch as gloating.

the past few years have been a severe combination of borrowing and investing. sometimes investing heavily in work, sometimes slacking off. sometimes investing heavily in my reputation by schmoozing and building a name for myself, sometimes going into seclusion and riding out the wave. and, obviously, financially. but when it comes to relationships, it’s clear why each and every one has failed… in each case, i allowed myself to get bored.

i invented excuses. he’s too nice. he’s too posh. he’s too cute. he’s too demanding in bed. he’s too young. he’s too plain. his friends are weird.

from the sidelines, my friends [bless them] have watched the train wreck happen time after time after time… hell, even i’ve watched it happen from a distance. the reason for failure is obvious…

i never invest.

i never invest in relationships. or, at least, i haven’t in a while. [excuse me while my ego speaks for a second...] i, for the most part, have picked the easy prey, the beautiful young’uns who are easily impressed by my charms, my accent, whatever.

i think i’ve met an equal, or, even better, someone who compliments and challenges me. someone whose company i enjoy and with whom i haven’t tried to impress. 30 seconds after i started swooning over ben, darian cut me off to shake me and insist that i let ben see the real me.

it’s been a long time since i’ve kept it real, rather than playing a game. since i’ve just had fun with it rather than trying to impress. since i’ve made an effort, rather than watching everything derail into oblivion.