archive for January, 2004



deep blue morocco

rioja. rioja. reverend al green. deep blue morocco. the water on stone.
the water on concrete. the water on sand. the water on fire. smoke.
the wind. the salt. the bride boat coming. dave in the water.
old man. einstein on top of his house.

it was a balmy smoggy late-autumn evening in los angeles, 1145pm on a friday, crammed into a borrowed car with ken and pete and paul and sam—friends two years my senior—racing down santa monica boulevard, the car’s reckless speed amplified by some crazyloud electronica [remember that genre?] blasting from the stereo. doomp d-d-d-d-doomp doomp doomp. doomp d-d-d-d-doomp doomp doomp.

white deep blue andalusia red yellow red yellow black car. red light.
far. black place. walls. blue chair. morocco. hamburg. paris.
the pieces of the puzzle are waiting. the water of the dark boats gliding.

what is this?, i ask the cool kids from the backseat. this is amazing! it’s like my brain has synchronized itself to the music! nobody can hear anybody, as the music is so skull-shatteringly loud. ken eventually replies, duuuuuude it’s pearl’s girl by underworld. we screetch into the parking garage, down like 9 levels and skid into a parking spot. we hustle up to the cinema, buy tickets and find seats just before the show starts.

the bride boats gone out to sea and dave is floating.
dave is floating. and old man einstein crazy in his attic. crazy.

my supercool mentors dragged naive fresh-to-california-from-smalltown-indiana eric to the midnight showing of a freshly-imported british indie film called trainspotting. this was the only cinema showing the flick, and even then, only a single screening. halfway through the flick, ken explains to me that trainspotting’s anthem, born slippy is also from underworld.

this electronica stuff was so fresh, so new, so energetic, so symphonic, so me. in high school i rocked out to green day and nine inch nails and r.e.m., and this techno stuff was kiss-my-teeth new. sure, in retrospect it all sounds a bit naive and uncultured and uncool, but at the time i had never heard such delicious cacophony. karl hyde’s crooning mesmerized me and the syncopated beats turned my highschool marching band appreciation of rhythm upside-down.

white room. sun room. shadow room. night transmitting cars across the room.
these things sent to dance across the room. eye watching from your bed.
returning to you.

so, here i was, 18, excitedly driving around places-you-only-see-on-teevee like hollywood and beverly hills and santa monica with these supercool older boys, being mentored about what-life’s-like-in-europe and dude-you-gotta-check-out-warp-records and oh-you-mean-you’ve-never-been-to-cantor’s-deli?! that whole first year at university i spent hanging out with these so-called bitter juniors… they were exciting, they were wise, they had cars, they knew all about los angeles life and, well, one of them fancied me.

almost every night we were out till the wee hours, driving up to mount wilson to watch the sunrise or santa monica to chill on the beach or hollywood to cause trouble or tommy’s for some heavenly chiliburgers [they wipe the grease onto the bun so that it sticks together better]. i slept in till dinnertime usually [missing most classes] and didn’t make friends with anyone from my year [nobody to do homework with]. i have no idea how i passed my classes, but, dammit i needed to experience los angeles, and, well, i was smitten with a boy.

everytime i hear underworld, i think back to that night in hollywood. a few amazing underworld concerts later, a few hundred cds purchased, a few hundred club nights out all around the world, and i now easily consider myself an electronic music afficionado, a proper music journo, a critic, a budding deejay and, well, an electronic music trainspotter.

so you can get yours

one can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation.

oscar wilde

megadate


can. you. point. me. towards. the. bus.

i hate people that are happily single. i despise happy couples, especially those that are married or engaged to be married for like 4 years or are in open relationships. i cringe when i hear the term life partner and hate how people always introduce their [new] boyfriend with a smirk, as in,

eric, this is billy, my new boyfriend [wink wink, nudge nudge, knowing glance, tee hee, i'm better than you, aren't you jealous, i'll never have a cold bed again] !

until next week when they split up.

there is one combination, one permutation that i cherish. a pairing that i can relate to, because it’s how i’ve spent most of the past few years. people who are dating. i abslolutely adore people who are on a date, are dating, are seeing each other but not yet in a relationship.

surely you’ll agree that there’s no greater spark than that first kiss—full of possibilities and excitement and affirmation.

and the first date when you exclaim across your undercooked salmon or difficult-to-eat gourmet pizza, oh my gawd what a coincidence! my grandmother was on the titatnic tooooo! or maybe oh my gawd, i totally hate reality teevee shows tooooo!. and you hold hands and bashfully look away and then get him drunk and drag him home…

that first shag is amazing and delicious and full of discovery and newfound closeness and afterwards, laying there, you either think wow, this could be the one, i can get used to this or, in some cases [so i hear from my friends] wow, that really sucked, where did i leave my underwear?

then there’s the goodbye, which i guess would normally happen the morning after. is it a okay, see ya later goodbye, or maybe a here, let me make you some tea goodbye. or, let me walk you to the tube station goodbye, or perhaps hey, do you wanna hang out here this afternoon and maybe grab some lunch and have some more hot sex wink wink nudge nudge non-goodbye?

from best-to-worst:

hey can i have your number? of course! [flirty text-messaging ensues!]
hey do you want to exchange numbers? yeah, sure, why not.
hey do you want to exchange numbers? no.
hey can i have your number? no.
hey do you want my number? no.
hey can i have your number? yes. it’s 555-FAKE.

sometimes being bombarded with text messages and phone calls is sweet and romantic, sometimes it freaks you out and makes for a good joke for you and your mates. sometimes playing it cool and not calling for a few days is wise, sometimes playing it too cool can result in eric drifting away.

i’m a good daterTM, and i don’t want to believe that that’s a bad thingTM. although i’m not desparately searching for a husband right nowTM doesn’t mean i’m happily singleTM. i’m just tired of 2-date, 4-date, 6-date mini-non-relationships that just… fizzle. no commitments, so no arguments, so no anger, so no healing, so no clarification.

i know from experience that the harder i look for a boyfriend, the less likely i am to find one. and, when i’m definitely not looking for a boyfriend, well, let’s say my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. so, my new strategy is to have one-date relationships with guys—megadates.

a sample megadate: coffee, movie, dinner, drinking, stroll, dancing, drugs, dancing, sex, sleep, sex, coffee in bed, sex, brunch, walk in the park, sex, see ya later. leave on good terms [thanks, that was great!], no awkwardness [hey, i'll see ya around!] and you get all of the benefits of having a boyfriend [stimulating dinner conversation, a companion for the cinema, someone to snog at the nightclub in front of your friends, hot hot hot i'm-not-bored-of-you-yet sex.]

hey eric, are you dating anyone?

yeah, i’m megadating everyone!

1,039 smoothed out slappy hours


ah. put the needle on it. ah.

rocking out to old-skewl retro prepubescent pre-dookie green day, thanks to the new winamp. version 5 of the world’s most popular mp3 player brings a speedy new media library [faster than itunes, sexier than mp3weasel], which has allowed me to reclaim my insanely unusable 90gb mp3 collection. i did actually purchase 500 of the 1,600 or so albums. i’m passionate about music, and am passionate about supporting artists.

where do you get your music these days? here in the 51st state [britain] we can’t use the itunes store. losers. even the 99¢ song and $9.99 album are too pricey to ween kiddies off of illegal [but free!] filesharing. i’m so anxiously waiting for the music industry to implode so i can stop ganking everything for free—i can barely sleep at night! i gave up buying cds in london a long time ago… £17.99 [$30] for a cd?

i’m guessing a year from now we’ll see 79¢ songs and $7.99 albums available for download, with $7.99 cds in stores, bundled with bonus goodies [video dvds, collectible books, posters, presale ticket gimmicks, justin's soiled panties].

i’ve been downloading full pre-release albums [and movies and teevee show episodes] from suprnova. it rawks, but i’m sure it’ll be shutdown or perverted eventually, just like napster and audiogalaxy and kazaa and the others. for those hard-to-find electronic/dance chunes, i resort to the slow and clunky but otherwise amazing soulseek. perfect for finding, for example, the terrace vocal mix whitelabel of let the sunshine in by milk & sugar for use on my holiday mix cds. for example.

the filesharing debate has far too much whining and whinging on all sides for me to clearly understand the financial flow from purchase to artist. until the record labels, artists, copyright law, isps and the consumer electronics industry sort themselves out, i’m gonna keep downloading and burning and synching and encoding and digitizing and compressing and streaming for free. so there!

did you know that 10% of the global music industry’s revenues last year came from ringtones? that’s right… $3.5bn of bleepy i’m feeling so crazy right now and dun dun. dun dun. in da club. dun dun. and countless lame folk songs and football songs and the macarena. my phone’s always on silent/vibrate thankyouverymuch. but next year we’ll start to see ringback tones aka connecting tones which are yet another money-making novelty for mobile phone carriers. rather than your callers hearing ring ring, you purchase a ringback tone for them to hear in its place.

the trend will probably start with busted-adoring girlies purchasing 20-second snippets of the latest chart tune, and will then evolve into people recording their own spoof sound clips, like hello? what? i can’t hear you? speak up?. oh the hilarity. probably at £1.99 a pop.

i’m pleased the music is such a huge part of popular culture… reality teevee, superstar deejays, billions of genres. ever since the electro scene reinvigerated clubland a few years ago, it seems as if i hear my friends excitedly discussing music much more. i generally refrain from recommending artists here… it’s much better for you to just glance at my playlist at right left right for inspiration, rather than me textually trying to sell you a new chune. however, just this once… two sneaky plugs: maroon 5 have a wicked flashy website. patrick wolf has a wicked electro ukulele bite. oh, and the new basement jaxx is brill.

i love you just the way you are

i haven’t got the slightest idea how to change people, but still i keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

david sedaris
naked

to readjust or rearrange

when i was a webwhore highly-qualified internet consultant, i remember living for a few weeks out of a suitcase in chicago whilst working for a big phone company telecommunications client. expense accounts, incredible views from my swank hotel room and yet little free time and no friends to play with.

anyway, i digress… in one of our meetings with the vice-president of corporate rebranding and internal innovation and strategic consulting [he had a very large business card, you see], he used a word when describing how our project would affect his division of the company. it was a word which i had never heard before, and haven’t used since. see if you can spot it in the sentence below.

i’ve decided to rejigger all of the bits-and-bobs and odds-and-ends of my website [blog, photos, calendar, playlist, reading, portfolio, travel guide, etc.] into one umbrella page, http://bo.gs.

wake the kids, put on the kettle and update your bookmarks… bloghserf is now part of evijhserf, which is my site + my blog + my links + my crap all rolled into one page, accessible at http://bo.gs [rather than http://bo.gs/blog].

the quest for narnia

for months now andrew has been going on and on about narnia, the mythical condom-and-lube-dispensing tree in hampstead heath. we dubbed it narnia because surely it was just an illusion, an apparation. surely no such thing could exist, even in a seedy [aherm] cruising ground such as the heath. andrew is the only one to have seen it, and after months of ridicule he finally convinced us to traipse around hampstead with him in search of the elusive narnia

we prepared for our expedition at a special temple, drinking elixirs rumored to heighten the senses and allow for more efficient narnia-hunting.

karl, andrew and mark have been researching narnia for nearly two years. we walked silently through the heath, each of us fantasizing what mystical powers narnia might bestow upon us. like the power to dress properly for a muddy hike.

as the bleak winter sun started to set, we heard whispers, whispers… the babbling brook was speaking to us! pissssssssssssssssss was what it sounded like, pissssssssssssssss off back home, wankers

the albino dear pranced towards us, try to scare us away, saying we would share his fate! we knew we must be close. walking through the leaves we started to slow—oh no, a quagmire! quicksand!—but, upon closer inspection, we discovered it was merely used condoms and lube packets—narnia must be close!

we recited the ancient call to narnia three times: izzyu topor izzyu bot tim izzyu topor izzyu bot tim izzyu topor izzyu bot tim. rustling was heard all around us in the bushes and nearby parked cars. then andrew found it! a nail! in a tree!

but surely a tree with a rusty nail in it can’t be narnia? sadness creeps over us, and the men lurking in the bushes drop to their knees in… sadness.

just as i’m putting my camera away, the heavens open and the spirit of narnia slides down, like a greasy dancer slithering down the pole of the earth. if you look closely you can see narnia, and the enlightenment bestowed upon mark and andrew as we hover in a parallel dimension.

triumphantly, we buckle our trousers and return to civilization. strutting proud but sworn to eternal secrecty if we ever reveal naria’s true location.

any similarities to c s lewis’ tale of narnia is completely unintentional. i mean, really, get a life! more photos here.

i’s a smart ‘un

the public is wonderfully tolerant. it forgives everything except genius.

oscar wilde
the critic as artist [1891]

remaindered writing


let me take you on a trip. 5 trips, actually…

i enjoy getting my morning fix of mark morford’s writing in my inbox every morning [e.g. scenes from a sad airport, flaccid bentleys]. herb cain, he ain’t!

my boy [as if he has any clue who -i- am] camper english describes the sexual geography san francisco as only he can… enumerating best first date for goths and most romantic landfill. i certainly didn’t have [a need for] his advice when i was a san francisco boy… as computed previously, i was a full three times more innocent in san francisco than i am currently in london.

on the topic of san franciscan sex, lance arthur explains how legalization of gay marriage in america will lead to the death of hamsters. his logic is sound, and i agree with all of his logical arguments.

0wnz0red is a brilliant authentically-l33t award-winning short sci-fi story from cory doctorow about two dot-commer cubicle monkeys changing the world by changing their own bodies. gives hope to all of you/us jolt-ingesting big-brained geeks who hope to evolve society someday, in our own unique ways.

saving the best for last, i’m proud that my good [deviant] friend kevin has finished the beginning of his book, meat. kevin is -never- one to climax too soon [so i hear], so if his prologue is foreplay, well, then, i can’t wait for the long passionate affair in its entirety. meat captures many subtleties and nuances of life in the fast-food freeway offramp metropolis which is southern california.

will munro

y? because we love you!

artist cum closeted pants collector will munro custom-makes hand-stiched y-fronts for men and boys. moving to london caused me to readjust my gaydar and my fashion sense, from baggy boxers and extra-large skater tee-shirts to sexy name-brand briefs and oops-a-little-too-tight shirts. it’s a fine line between gay and eurotrash. not that i care, because yesterday’s eurotrash meme is tomorrow’s mullet/trucker-cap wearing fad.




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