can. you. point. me. towards. the. bus.

i hate people that are happily single. i despise happy couples, especially those that are married or engaged to be married for like 4 years or are in open relationships. i cringe when i hear the term life partner and hate how people always introduce their [new] boyfriend with a smirk, as in,

until next week when they split up.

there is one combination, one permutation that i cherish. a pairing that i can relate to, because it’s how i’ve spent most of the past few years. people who are dating. i abslolutely adore people who are on a date, are dating, are seeing each other but not yet in a relationship.

surely you’ll agree that there’s no greater spark than that first kiss—full of possibilities and excitement and affirmation.

and the first date when you exclaim across your undercooked salmon or difficult-to-eat gourmet pizza, oh my gawd what a coincidence! my grandmother was on the titatnic tooooo! or maybe oh my gawd, i totally hate reality teevee shows tooooo!. and you hold hands and bashfully look away and then get him drunk and drag him home…

that first shag is amazing and delicious and full of discovery and newfound closeness and afterwards, laying there, you either think wow, this could be the one, i can get used to this or, in some cases [so i hear from my friends] wow, that really sucked, where did i leave my underwear?

then there’s the goodbye, which i guess would normally happen the morning after. is it a okay, see ya later goodbye, or maybe a here, let me make you some tea goodbye. or, let me walk you to the tube station goodbye, or perhaps hey, do you wanna hang out here this afternoon and maybe grab some lunch and have some more hot sex wink wink nudge nudge non-goodbye?

hey can i have your number? of course! [flirty text-messaging ensues!]
hey do you want to exchange numbers? yeah, sure, why not.
hey do you want to exchange numbers? no.
hey can i have your number? no.
hey do you want my number? no.
hey can i have your number? yes. it’s 555-FAKE.

sometimes being bombarded with text messages and phone calls is sweet and romantic, sometimes it freaks you out and makes for a good joke for you and your mates. sometimes playing it cool and not calling for a few days is wise, sometimes playing it too cool can result in eric drifting away.

i’m a good dater^TM, and i don’t want to believe that that’s a bad thing^TM. although i’m not desparately searching for a husband right now^TM doesn’t mean i’m happily single^TM. i’m just tired of 2-date, 4-date, 6-date mini-non-relationships that just… fizzle. no commitments, so no arguments, so no anger, so no healing, so no clarification.

i know from experience that the harder i look for a boyfriend, the less likely i am to find one. and, when i’m definitely not looking for a boyfriend, well, let’s say my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. so, my new strategy is to have one-date relationships with guys—megadates.

a sample megadate: coffee, movie, dinner, drinking, stroll, dancing, drugs, dancing, sex, sleep, sex, coffee in bed, sex, brunch, walk in the park, sex, see ya later. leave on good terms [thanks, that was great!], no awkwardness [hey, i'll see ya around!] and you get all of the benefits of having a boyfriend [stimulating dinner conversation, a companion for the cinema, someone to snog at the nightclub in front of your friends, hot hot hot i'm-not-bored-of-you-yet sex.]

hey eric, are you dating anyone?