dilemma.

winter’s here, and when i hear slobbery love songs [on the radio, in passing cars, at 4am when i'm alone on the dancefloor] i really really really think that i need a boyfriend.

but, like, what kind of boyfriend do i want? physically, i know what i want. personality-wise, yeah, sure, i’ve got a clue. the big discrepancy, the big conundrum is this: do i want a boyfriend who is impressed by me?

this issue is directly related to my huge ego.

it’s easy for me to seduce some innocent, young[ish], student[y] lad and wow him with my stories and my charm and my worldliness. when i was 19 or 22 i would be damn impressed by someone like me. and, to be fair, when they’re my age, they could very well be on equal footing as me.

but, like, if that’s the basis of our relationship [them being horribly impressed by me from day one] and i don’t feel the same way in return, then it’s not going to work, is it?

is it?

i don’t think i’d be able to handle the reverse, as my ego is too big. i don’t think i’d be able to handle a mate who’s always correcting me, educating me, and clarifying things. i wouldn’t be able to handle someone who wasn’t equally impressed with me.

so, maybe what i need is an equal.

no, it’s not that. that’s too simple. what i *need* is for the dynamics of our relationship to be that of constant excitement, mutual “impressing”, discovery and growth. my last few relationships have focused on the past: our histories, our experiences, our lives. the few boys i’ve met in england have had great stories to tell, as do i, which allowed for lots of storytelling and … not much else.

i want adventure, i want a companion who has as crazy a life and as me [and wants to continue said crazy lifestyle]. i want someone who is spontaneous, intelligent, and with whom i can share an exciting future.